Romantic relationships are a beautiful thing, aren’t they?
Loving someone and being loved back has to be one of the most special feelings a human being can experience.
This is probably why so many of us want a romantic partner in our lives. It just livens things up and makes life much more colorful!
However, there is an imbalance between men and women when it comes to romance.
Typically, men find it difficult to be romantic even if they want to.
But for women, romance comes naturally.
Of course, there are exceptions to this, but as a woman, you are more likely to find an unromantic partner.
This can obviously create issues in your relationship.
You might get frustrated at times and even question whether your boyfriend really loves you or not!
If you find yourself in this situation, there are many things you can do.
First, you need to understand why your boyfriend isn’t romantic. Then, you can take steps to manage the situation better.
6 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Isn’t Romantic
Let’s find out why your boyfriend is not romantic 🙂
The love language of a person is the way they feel and express love.
As you can probably tell, different people with different personalities have different love languages.
Some people love being showered with cute and meaningful gifts by their partners, while others like to spend some quality time together.
Dr. Gary Chapman theorized this concept and laid out five core common love languages. They are:
- Physical Touch (which involves physical intimacy)
- Words of Affirmation (which involves expressing love verbally)
- Acts of Service (which involves doing thoughtful things)
- Receiving Gifts (which involves gift-giving)
- Quality Time (which involves attention and spending time together)
Now, if your boyfriend has a different love language than yours, you might think that he is not romantic.
For example, if your love language is words of affirmation, you might like him to express his love verbally. You might want him to tell you how much you mean to him and how much he loves you.
However, if his love language is acts of service, he might express his love by doing thoughtful things for you (like doing the laundry, doing the dishes, organizing your purse before you go out, etc.).
So, even though he is expressing love and being romantic in his own way, you might think he is not romantic just because he is not doing it in a way you prefer.
Love and romance bring with them an element of vulnerability.
We might think that these things are straightforward, but they are anything but.
Think from the perspective of your boyfriend.
Being romantic would require him to make the first move and express his love for you.
But, he might be hesitant to do so if he wonders whether you will express your love back or not.
He might wonder whether you will like what he does or not. There can be a million questions running in his mind which might stop him from doing romantic things.
The fact of the matter is that he might not want to put himself in a situation where he feels vulnerable.
This is a common trait in men.
They have been conditioned by society to hide their emotions and appear tough.
And they can’t do so by expressing their love and being vulnerable.
If you study how romance (or the idea of it) is portrayed in today’s world, you will realize that it is highly feminized.
Most romantic movies, tv shows, novels, and other works of fiction are marketed mainly toward women. E
ven the colors associated with romance (pink, red, purple, etc.) have historically been feminine in nature.
Plus, as I mentioned above, women are more likely to be romantic and have love languages that express their romance more vividly.
This, too, creates an impression in men’s minds that romance is for women.
So, in a world where men are taught to be tough and macho from an early age, you can see why they might not be comfortable with something that is highly feminized.
They might not feel confident or secure in being romantic with their partners as they think they are not “supposed” to know what to do.
This is another common difference between men and women.
And you might have observed this in your life too.
Women, generally tend to be more expressive of their thoughts and feelings. When something comes to their mind, they are quick to point it out.
This allows women to be more open with other women. This is why you see women complimenting each other on their looks, dresses, nature, and so on.
They even buy thoughtful gifts for their friends and remember tiny details about each other.
On the other hand, men are not that expressive about their innermost feelings with other men.
They would rather keep things to themselves than sharing intimate details with their fellow men.
As you can see, they don’t get “enough practice” to do cute, little romantic things. Sadly, this carries over to their relationships with their partners.
This is pretty much straightforward.
Your boyfriend may not be acting romantically simply because he doesn’t know what you would like him to do.
He may not know what your love language is and how you like to be pampered. He may not understand the nuances of your romantic side and may be afraid to experiment in case he does something wrong.
This typically happens with new relationships.
When two people don’t know each other well, it is only obvious that they won’t be able to be “perfect partners.”
Also, if you have given him hints and expect him to simply understand, that’s probably not going to work.
Your hints might make complete sense to you but might leave him more confused than before.
So, he will either not do anything at all or do something that you don’t find romantic.
This can be another reason if your relationship with him is relatively new.
You might expect your boyfriend to be confident and jump on board immediately after getting into the relationship.
However, that usually doesn’t happen.
As people, we all need time to make sense of things. We all need our sweet time to be comfortable with people, places, and situations.
So, if your boyfriend isn’t acting all romantic and stuff, it might just be that he needs more time to be comfortable with you.
He might be trying to understand you and become more intimate with you in his own way.
Maybe he thinks that being romantic so early in the relationship might scare you away. This happens more often than you might think.
How To Handle An Unromantic Boyfriend
When you understand the reason behind your boyfriend’s lack of romance, it becomes easier to do something about it.
Based on this reason, you can take steps to make him understand you better and help him become more romantic.
Let’s take a look at all the things you can do in this regard.
This is perhaps the first thing you should do to solve any problem in your relationship.
There is a reason why they say that communication is one of the key pillars on which a relationship stands.
If you think about it, it makes perfect sense.
We are human beings who don’t have telepathic powers. So, if you want to be understood and also understand the other person, you need to communicate using words.
So, if you want your boyfriend to be more romantic, talk to him.
Pick a time when you can both relax and listen to each other with open ears and open minds. Then, sit with him and pour your heart in front of him.
Tell him what you expect him to do.
Tell him what your love language is and all the things you find cute and romantic.
You can even text him this list so that he can refer to it later.
In the end, your goal should be to communicate to him that you want romance in your relationship because you want to nurture your bond with him.
This might seem like an odd idea.
In fact, what makes romance so special is that it is spontaneous and unexpected.
So, if you schedule time specifically for romance, you might think that the whole purpose is defeated.
But for the greater good, you might have to bear with it, at least initially.
Look, men function very differently from women.
If your boyfriend knows exactly when he is “supposed” to be romantic, he will make sure that he does his part.
Especially if he really cares about you. Then, as he gets more comfortable with you and starts understanding what you like, this time factor will not matter.
He might eventually start being romantic at any time of the day (or night).
So, schedule a day and time of the week for romance.
You can even schedule some time every day for it. Then, just do things that you like. It could be going on a date, watching a romantic movie together, going on a weekend getaway, etc.
As I mentioned above, your boyfriend might have a different love language than you.
So, he might do things that he thinks are romantic but you might not consider them to be anything more than “normal.”
Obviously, this can create a disconnect.
It might even discourage him from doing thoughtful things for you and leave him super confused.
So, in this case, you need to observe and understand what his love language is exactly.
- Does he help you run errands even though you didn’t ask him to?
- Does he get you a drink whenever he is getting one for himself?
- Does he like to sit by your side whenever you are doing something?
All these are examples of different love languages and you should know them.
You should also know in your heart that just because he isn’t doing something you consider romantic, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love and care for you.
I am sure if you talk to him and express your expectations, he will be more than happy to see things from your perspective and love you the way you like to be loved.
Before you expect love from someone else, you should love your own self.
As wise people say, the most important relationship that you have is with yourself.
If you nurture this relationship, all your other relationships will automatically get nurtured.
So, indulge in some self-love and take care of your body, mind, and soul.
There are a million ways you can do so.
You can go shopping, eat your favorite snacks, go to your favorite restaurant, binge-watch a tv show, paint something you like, listen to the latest songs, have an exotic bubble bath, get yourself some flowers, engage in positive self-talk, and so on.
You don’t always have to rely on your boyfriend (or anybody for that matter) to make yourself feel loved.
Remember this, and you will always be happy and satisfied in life.
Do you know a major source of our discontent in life?
It’s our wild expectations from the people around us and life itself.
Since these high expectations don’t always get fulfilled, we tend to become sad and dissatisfied. In a way, we are our own source of suffering.
The same might be happening in your relationship.
You might be expecting unreasonable things or gestures from your boyfriend. And when he inevitably fails to meet your expectations, you might think that he doesn’t love you or that he isn’t romantic.
So, examine whether you are being reasonable or not.
Yes, you most definitely deserve to be loved the way you want to. However, there has to be a balance in life.
For example, if you expect your boyfriend to buy you expensive gifts, when he doesn’t earn that much, that is unreasonable. But if you expect him to spend quality time with you at home, that is obviously a valid expectation.
You need to understand one very important thing about men.
It’s that they are great at responding. They are great at being number two. Let me explain what I mean.
If your boyfriend doesn’t know what you would like him to do, you could take the first step. Then, watch as your boyfriend gets the clue and starts returning the romance.
Let’s take an example of this.
If you gift him something meaningful, you can definitely expect him to do the same. He might have a little difficulty deciding what he should get you, but rest assured that he will do anything he can to make you happy.
So, try to initiate romance from your side whenever you feel like being loved.
Send him flirty messages, cuddle with him while you are watching tv, leave him cute notes throughout the house, send flowers at his workplace, and so on. He is bound to respond with his own romantic gestures.
If someone doesn’t know how to do something, the most logical thing to do is teach them! Right?
So, why not teach your boyfriend how to be romantic? Of course, you would be taking on a huge project, but it will definitely pay off in the future!
So, start off small and teach him the basics.
Send him articles on love languages and how one can express their love for their loved one. Talk to him about your expectations and how he can go about fulfilling them.
Show him the importance of romance in strengthening a relationship. Show him how to be romantic by initiating romance from your side.
Slowly but surely, he will learn the secrets of the craft and become more romantic than ever. If he really loves you, he is bound to take your cues and do things that please you.
Appreciation is one of the best motivators for a human being.
This is why it is used heavily by companies to get the most out of their employees.
There is something about being appreciated and acknowledged that gets a person fired up to do even more.
So, when your boyfriend does something that you genuinely like, you should appreciate his efforts.
For example, if he takes you on a candlelight dinner, tell him how much it means to you. Show him how happy you are. Then do something nice for him in return too.
By showing your appreciation, you will essentially be helping him understand what you like better.
He will also be motivated to try more romantic things in the future. Also, even if he does something that you don’t consider romantic, acknowledge his effort.
At least he is trying!
Do you know what guys hate a lot? You guessed it… being compared with other guys.
This might be an evolutionary thing, but when men are compared with other men, they immediately become defensive and get hurt at the same time.
Of course, they will not show you that they are hurt and will simply put on an aggressive face.
So, make sure you don’t compare him with other men (your colleagues, your friend’s husband, your neighbor, and definitely not your ex. I repeat, definitely not your ex!).
You might think that doing so will motivate him to be better and more romantic, but that will just have the opposite effect.
Comparing him with others will only discourage him and hurt his morale.
He will begin to feel like he is not good enough for you. This might stop him from doing anything at all!
A relationship is all about compromises.
I know, in an ideal world, we would all find our perfect partners with whom we wouldn’t have to compromise even a little bit.
But alas, in the real world, things are different.
There are no such things as perfect partners because everyone is different and has their own flaws. You do too!
This is why you need to take the high road at times and just go with the flow.
That is the only way you can ensure a healthy and long-term relationship.
For example, if he likes basketball and wants you to come with him to a match, you should go! If he likes to have a beer all by himself after coming home from work, let him!
These compromises will help him see that you are putting in the effort. And he will definitely return the favor.
He, too, will compromise the next time you want to do something that he does not enjoy. It’s a two-way streak, you know!
There is a difference between nagging and communicating.
When you are communicating, you are doing it with a clear mind with the intention to get yourself heard and understood.
However, when you are nagging, you are doing it out of frustration and anger. Also, your choice of words varies a lot between the two. In fact, nagging can lead to all sorts of arguments and fights.
This is obviously not what you want to do.
You want him to be romantic with you, not get distant. And you definitely don’t want to damage the relationship.
So, if your boyfriend doesn’t love you the way you want and if he does things that annoy you, it is always best to sit down calmly and talk it out like adults.
Even the most difficult situations can be solved with peace and love.
And if you can embody this, your boyfriend will see how much you care about the relationship. He will be inclined to hear your views and modify his behavior in the future.
Whether your boyfriend is romantic or not, the fact is that you love him, right?
You are with him because you feel a deep sense of love for him. There is a certain intimacy there.
So, regardless of where he stands on the romantic scale, you should let him know how much you love him.
Of course, this can be done in a million ways. You can text him unexpectedly, hug him tight when he comes home from work, tell him verbally how much he means to you, and so on.
Doing so will lead to two important things.
First, he will realize that you really love him, and he is bound to return the favor. He, too, will want to express his love in different ways. This will encourage him to find and learn ways to be more romantic.
Second, when you express your love openly, it will remove any hesitation he might have had. As mentioned above, one of the reasons why he may not be romantic is that he might not be sure whether you are 100% into the relationship or not.
So, your expressions of love will give him that certainty and he will not feel like he is putting himself in a vulnerable position.
Finally, you need to be patient with your boyfriend while applying all the ways mentioned above.
In fact, patience is a great virtue in life in general.
When it comes to relationships, this virtue becomes even more important.
A relationship takes time to nurture and build.
It takes time for two people to understand each other and figure out how to integrate each other into their lives.
So, if your boyfriend isn’t romantic, do not become hasty. Know that you can slowly help him become more romantic. Also know that if he truly loves you, he will figure out that you want him to be romantic and will take steps accordingly.
In the end, what matters most is love and respect. If you have that between the two of you, you will be able to build a solid relationship.